The Steps to Reading Recovery - March 13

I love to read- especially when I find a book that I can't put down- I love to get lost in the story and enjoy the ride. But this journey of mine has made reading a challenge at some times. Finally- I feel like a "reader" again- here's what it's taken to get back......

Step 1: The "Just Lay Around and Be" Stage. After surgery and the first chemotherapy, I was just happy to be here- especially when "here" was a comfy place with pillows. This was a short phase. I stared at a few magazine covers.

Step 2: The "Magazine" Stage. I wanted to be reading "something". So turning the pages of a magazine helped. I turned the pages, looked at the pretty pictures and maybe read a caption. The pictures and colors helped the most. Magazines are worth their weight in gold. This seemed like a long phase, but my friend Kay showed up with new magazines.

Step 3: The "Maybe I Can Read a Book" Stage. The first books I picked up needed to be very special. For me there are two books I remember from this time. The first is "Out of the Box" a quilting book by Mary Lou Weidman- it's full of colorful quilts and ideas for creativity. It's not a book with quilts and directions, but a book to inspire ideas. It made me think- but not too much! It was the perfect step up from the magazines. I could stop on any page and pick it up later. The second book is "The Goddess of the Last Minute" by Robbi Joy Eklow. This is a book written by a traveling quilt teacher with a great sense of humor. Her short essays about quilting make me laugh. Robbi is Erma Bombeck for quilters!

Step 4: The "All Right it's Time for a Real Book" Stage. My friend Karan gave me a Nora Roberts book that I really wanted to read- "Bed of Roses"- the second in a new series. I tried and tried, but I think I picked it up too soon. It took me 2 months- and I kept forgetting who-was-doing-it-with-whom. I will have to read it again before the next one comes out.

Step 5: The "Oh my Gosh, I think I'm Better!" Stage. Near the halfway point in my chemotherapy, I picked up "The Help". I read the first page and could not put it down! Hooray!! A book grabbed me and I loved it!! There's Hope for this reader!!! After that I read "The Lost Symbol" and went on an adventure with Robert Langdon (Tom Hanks in the movies) through Washington, DC. So much fun!! My friend Candi brought over Anne Tyler's new book "Noah's Compass" and I'm ready to meet her new characters and share some quality time with them!

Is this Reading Recovery? It feels good to me!!

Mrs. Rip - March 9

I'm getting ready to RIP another piece of REALLY UGLY fabric- it will be less than 1/4 yard left now! About 6 more weeks. A month and a half.

Just call me Mrs. Rip (Van Winkle, that is!)

This week I've been thinking about time. Perhaps I'm waking up from the worst chemo drugs. It suddenly dawned on me that I have been on this journey for six whole months! Julia proudly said she is 5 1/2! Where did that half year go? It was September 4 when I had my mammogram. How has all this time gone by? I was really astounded when I realized this! I've been doing chemotherapy treatments since December 2- that's three whole months! It will be 4 1/2 months of chemo before I finish.

I think that the reason I have made it this far is that I have thought about it in baby steps. One week until this appointment, a week until surgery, two weeks between treatments, and so on and so on. One step at a time. One thing at a time. Focus on what has to be done. Stay in the moment and do the best I can. I've rarely thought about months or half-years. This is some journey!

I am amazed at how it all adds up!

Chocolate - February 28
It's the end of February and I have had a busy week. I ripped off another piece of REALLY UGLY fabric and am still tired- but not as bad as before. I have even ventured out more this week. I played bridge and went to a Maryland basketball game and did something I have not had any desire to do for awhile- go out and eat, coffee and scones, and even a lunch. These are big steps!

So people ask me about food. How do things taste? Am I eating OK? Surprise! Food really has not been a problem. I just eat smaller portions. Food tastes good except there have been some days when everything tasted like cardboard- but fruity things have a good taste- and so do vegetables. Juices have been great- water has a strange taste sometimes. I think it's the "metallic" taste I was warned about.

The strangest thing is that chocolate has no appeal. None. Nada. Weird! Bob and I did eat alot of Lindt Truffles before chemo started, but I'm saving a box of chocolates until chemo is finished. I even have a bag of M&M's that have lived in my house since Halloween- very unusual! Bob brought home a box of Berger's cookies and I didn't touch them- but that's OK- it's more for him! This is probably a good thing since Rheb's Chocolates has a shop right across the street from St. Agnes!

Acupuncture- February 17

Calm, Peace, Balance, Strength.

These are the reasons I have an acupuncture treatment before chemotherapy treatments. I started acupuncture because of my knees about 2 years ago. It helped…didn't make them all better, but helped. Then I found out that acupuncture helped with other things, especially when I was overwhelmed or upset.

I always walk out of the treatment feeling calmer and stronger than when I arrived. I know acupuncture gave me the peace to deal with the cancer diagnosis and surgery. It gives me the strength to get in the car each treatment day.

A few weeks ago I was very scared about the change in the chemo treatment. I hated that the word "reactions" was being used so much. "We'll be giving you extra drugs to prevent reactions…" Yikes! I was halfway through and had figured out how to live with the first drugs. I hate change.

But after acupuncture that week, I left with Carolyn's words, "Yes, it's a change- it will be a good change!"

And it has been!

Strength, Peace, Calm, Balance, Positive Energy……that's why I love acupuncture.

Snow and Yoga- February 14

I just have to mention the snow! It's huge! We set a record here in Baltimore- about 80" this season- so far!

The reason I say "so far" is that I looked in my $1000 Journal (see January 1 about the Journal) and almost every weekend after I had a chemotherapy treatment, we had snow. If we didn't have snow, we had rain. I made notes about it because the weather made it easy to take naps. I didn't feel like going anywhere and it was good to rest with nature's beauty outside the window and me cozy inside. So I have 9 more treatments- watch what happens the next 9 weekends. And some people blame this on the Groundhog!

So the only place I've been since the Blizzard of 2010 this week was yoga on Friday morning. It was amazing to see the one lane snowy streets in the neighborhood, then the huge piles of snow along the highways. I have been taking a wonderful class for cancer survivors in Columbia. My teacher Debbie taught a class I took at the Columbia Yoga Center. I love the class because Debbie is so good at taking things slow, step by step, and she gets me to do things I would not try by myself. I also feel more energized when I come home. Bob has been taking me on these snowy Fridays and on days I didn't feel like I should drive. He enjoys it too- there's a coffee shop and a place to sit and read.

Hopefully Moving Past Exhaustion- February 3

Rip…I tore a 1 1/2"-wide strip off the REALLY UGLY fabric today.

Slowly but surely I'm getting through this. I got my second "lower-dose" treatment today….I get to rip the fabric for this one next Wednesday.

This has been a better week. I don't know if it's the blood transfusion or the change in chemo drugs- or both, but I didn't feel so totally exhausted. And I sewed a little this week!

So what's it mean to be exhausted from chemo? You know how it feels when you watch a movie late at night and you wake up and realized you missed something. That's it! I feel this cloud come over my brain and realize I just better lie down and take a nap- I can't do anything else. And then it takes an hour to wake up from the nap. For the longest time, I could not read or watch anything on TV for longer than an hour. The world has been very fuzzy but it is clearing up.

Every once in awhile I found some energy and thought I was coming back…..but one day I wrapped some presents and thought I was going to faint. Another day I mixed up some chocolate chip cookies and thought my arm was going to fall off. One day I turned on the tea kettle and went to watch TV- yep! I got a new tea kettle- an electric one! One night I needed to drink a cup of tea but I was so tired I could not even ask Bob to get it.

So I learned a few lessons and decided it's been best to sleep through chemo and love the moments in the morning that I do feel good. There's also been two days in the old two-week cycle that I have felt like "me"- usually the two days before a new treatment when I see the doctor. The nurse always asks how I feel and I usually say "90-100%" but I really wished she had asked me on the days when I felt like 10%- that really tells the story!!

Four Letter Words- January 25
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, the first word out of my mouth was "Shit!"- I do try to be careful about using this word because I'm afraid that's what I will say on TV when I win the Publisher's Clearing House money. But that four letter word just comes out so easily.

Just so you know, back in September I also dropped a few F-bombs, too!

But then my niece Caroline who is 11, wrote me a darling letter and used another 4 letter word- it was LOVE. That letter changed my attitude and I started to realize that all the cards and notes and emails were sending me love and giving me strength to do this.

There's another 4 letter word I want you all to know about. It's written at the top of the page I had to sign to give permission for chemotherapy. There's a line that says "Reason for Treatment" and the word is "CURE".

Great word, huh!

The Pink Glove Dance- January 21
Have you seen the Pink Glove Dance video? Back in November I got several emails with this video- I've been saving this to write about it- but it really speaks for itself! Check out the concert with 17,000 people in pink gloves, too. Doesn't it make you want to dance? Enjoy!

http://pinkglovedance.com

Here’s the story behind the video…
“Our daughter-in-law, Emily (MacInnes) Somers, created, directed and choreographed this in Portland last week for her Medline glove division as a fundraiser for breast cancer awareness. This was all her idea to help promote their new pink gloves.
I don't know how she got so many employees, doctors and patients to participate, but it started to really catch on and they all had a lot of fun doing it.
When the video gets 1 million hits, Medline will be making a huge contribution to the hospital, as well as offering free mammograms for the community. Please check it out. It's an easy and great way to donate to a wonderful cause, and who hasn't been touched by breast cancer?
Ann Somers”

Quote in my $1000 Journal January 7, 2010
Here's a cool quote that showed up today in my $1000 journal:
"Promise me you'll always remember:
You're braver than you believe,
and stronger than you seem,
and smarter than you think."
That's Christopher Robin speaking to Pooh!

It's January!
For me, January means my birthday month! This year I have made a big January decision- I'm moving my birthday to July! I've always wanted a summer birthday! My birthday comes too close after the holidays each year, and this year I would LOVE to move the celebration to a time when I have more energy. In July, I will feel like having a party, going out to dinner or lunch, and celebrating at Quilt Odyssey. So plan to celebrate with me this summer!!

Third Treatment- December 30, 2009- ripping!
This morning I ripped off the second 1/8 of my yard of REALLY UGLY fabric. That's 1/4 of the journey done!
My rule is that I can't rip it off until right before the next treatment. It's relatively easy to get the treatment, it's living with the side effects for two weeks afterward that is the challenge. At the end I feel like ME again and I'm ready to rip!
Rules are made to be broken, so this morning as I left to get the third treatment, I ripped just a little for the next time- it wasn't easy to get in the car and go, so that helped. I did it!

Tis the Day After Christmas
Twas the day before Christmas, the weather was dreary,
I was grouchy and weepy and tired and weary.
Bob cooked his first turkey and mixed up a pie,
I unrolled the crust, in the wink of an eye.

But Christmas Day was a whole different story,
I awoke bright and cheery, not feeling a worry.
Ry and Andrea came for lunch and brightened our spirit,
Because the day before I didn't want to hear it.

We ate turkey and gravy!
Mashed potatoes- Yum!
Opened presents and laughed.
I was so glad they had come!

Bob and the kids went to visit the Grandkids,
I stayed home for a nap and closed my eyelids.
When I awoke again I felt great,
Everybody came home and again we ate.

They entertained me with stories of their Christmas visit,
Showed me their presents and opened more gifts.
The night before Christmas I really felt crappy,
But Christmas Day was really quite happy!!

The Big Snow- Dec 19-20
It's a winter wonderland and we are definitely going to have a White Christmas! We broke a record here in Baltimore and got almost two feet of snow over the weekend. It's beautiful!
As for me, this was my weekend to hibernate. I watched the snow fall and then took naps. That's what the chemo does to me- gives me a little energy to do one thing and then sends me into a nice nap. That's how my week will be...hopefully getting some energy back at the end of the week.

First Week- Tuesday Dec. 8
We had a beautiful snow this weekend here in Baltimore. I slept through most of it! I feel like I crashed on Friday afternoon and woke up Monday feeling a little bit better. This is how Bob describes it- you know those big inflated Christmas decorations? Well I was the deflated part! I am feeling better today. I did not have any of the side effects that I was really afraid of. So hopefully, I am going up the roller coaster this week.
Yesterday I went to a class at the hospital that taught us how to do make-up during treatment. We got lots of make-up samples and lessons on drawing eyebrows. Everybody looked amazing when we left! It was really neat to see some of the transformations and I thought what a fabulous gift these ACS volunteers gave to us who are make-up challenged.

Last Day of November 2009
I am very thankful for the month of November! Mostly thankful for the wonderful notes and cards I received this month. I rested, I healed from surgery, I had tests and a procedure (getting a port placed to get ready for chemotherapy), I enjoyed Thanksgiving, got together with friends, and started feeling great!
One of the best events this month was the Bruce Springsteen concert in Baltimore- 3 1/2 hours of music and fun- followed by a big nap the next day!
Today I finished a quilt that will be in a magazine in 2010- using my new line of fabric- Christmas in Baltimore by P&B. You can view the fabrics on a link on my home page, but the fabric won't be in stores until May.
So now it's time to fasten my seat belt and start chemotherapy this week. The treatments are every other week until the middle of March.
I'll be in touch!

October 2009
On October 6 I had surgery for breast cancer and have really been feeling good, but it's surprising how important a nap can be!

But even more important...

I want to thank everyone who sent me cards, e-cards, emails and lots of good thoughts and prayers. I really feel the power of prayer. I feel strength and peace and know that I can go through this. My family and friends and sisterhood of quilters are helping me- it is truly amazing! Sometimes the cards are overwhelming and I have to stop and catch my breath (and sometimes cry) but they are so wonderful.

I have received cards from guilds- usually signed "From Your Friends at --- Guild". These cards are very special- there is no way to thank you all personally, so if you read this, please pass the word along that I love and appreciate you all!

I have also received appliqued hearts- they are adorable!! I love them and can feel your care in every stitch!!!